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Loss of innocence (Part 3) - Metamorphosis


Continuation of Part 2 – Rite to "Gaydom"

“Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare



 He considered himself an introvert. He was pretty good at communication though. He loved to talk with people whom he could identify with, people who had similar interests and above all people who were liberal. He gathered some close friends during the hostel life, some connections turned really unforgettable. In hostels, young men in their prime bodily conditions lived together without access to opposite sex, homosexuality being  a “normal phase” in “the development of human beings” and the watershed of sexual emotions will try to find new outlets. As Osho (the controversial spiritual guru who had wonderful and liberal views on sex, but his talks after 1985 turned into mere rants with totally confused views on several issues) once commented on a question from one of his disciple who was a confused homosexual, “homosexuality originated from monasteries and hostels, where the opposite sex were not allowed or not available”. Osho’s concept of homosexuality being an outcome of heterosexual depravity was the one in vogue, most people believe like that especially ladies, they think “a beautiful lady” who is “capable” (colloquially the meaning of that capable is sexually adept) can turn on “any man” (read as she can even convert a homosexual man into a heterosexual man, easily). But do these ladies will ever come to know that for an exclusively homosexual man, even the mere sight of vagina is repulsive/disgusting. Naah!!

Image courtesy: The scholastic awards
When people hear about stories of marital discord, at least some women put the responsibility on the wife. He had heard women folk saying that “ it is her fault that her husband goes with other women, she is not tactful enough to seduce and restrain him”. Homosexuality never even comes to the picture. But, how many homosexuals are forced to marry and get trapped in relationships they don’t like, wasting their entire life and and the life of another person and those around them. Besides, the issue is not wholly about sex, but living one’s life, what is comfortable for a person - to mentally connect to a man or a woman.

It is a fact that hostels provide the right ambiance for the “germination” of homosexuality. But, for that germination to happen, a “seed” is needed. Seeds have a predestined fate and cannot alter that course. A mango seed will grow and give mangoes, not apples. Then where is that question of “changing back to normal” arises in case of a homosexual man. He had heard many anecdotal reports of this “magical curing of gayness”. Scientific evidence proves otherwise. Well, to make the whole issue complex, there is a large group of people who enjoys both men and women, the bisexual folks, who are usually confused/misrepresented to be homosexuals. In Indian scenario, most people are not even willing to admit themselves as homo, but will easily admit as bisexual. It is very difficult to identify a homosexual man and often the “homosocial” environment of our society can lead to false diagnosis. Here men usually show great physical intimacy coupled with a completely platonic relationship - they hold hands, pat each others backs, warm hugs, bath together or even sleep together. Such bromances are commonplace in most college campuses.

Contrastingly, there are many men who nurture latent homosexual desires in them which will get manifested in a hostel atmosphere. Bisexuals utilize the environment more than anything. They will get easy prey to satisfy their carnal desires and for their committed sexual and emotional needs, they will ensure a female counterpart. But for a pure gay man, the entire situation turns titular, provocative and usually culminates in heartbreak and pain if he is not aware of the cliche climax of such relationships. Yea, one man will fall in love with a girl, then the usual melodrama and tragedy to the gay one who will face the brunt and imagine his whole world had crashed down. Some will recuperate with time, some will resort to suicide. He was aware of such stories. He had deliberately created a brain/mind barrier to get himself immune from the “emotional vampires”. But as you know, there will be a chink in every armour. 
Continued in Part 4 – The First Kiss

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