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Loss of innocence (Part 4) - The First Kiss


Continuation of Part 3 - Metamorphosis

Love is short and forgetting is so long - Pablo Neruda


He knew that. His lean figure, sexy pout, attractive eyes, reticence and introversion could make him a fairly decent commodity in the “gay market”. He had some encounters in the past, especially during the travels via buses and train. He was never interested in strangers or casual encounters as he was well aware of the sexually transmitted diseases and other complications. Moreover he was never serious about getting laid, although he wished for a companion with whom he can share everything. He had many friends. Close friends indeed. His timid nature would never allow him to cross the boundaries with any of his friends. There were many handsome friendly faces (and of course bodies) he drooled over, the usual friendly physical intimacy existed with them but it never breached the mutual trust. During friendly discussions, the topics of homosexuality at times surface and no one really cared about it.

There were occasional gossiping where his friends used to assess the “homosexual quotient” of some of their friends under the gay cloud/gaydar as sometimes those persons were seen in compromising positions! The prying eyes!! No suspicions against him and so he ignored it. But then he had fallen for a guy, a twist in the story!

As there are two persons in the story now, I am going to address him as “our boy” and his lover as “X”. The following is a true experience our boy had during his hostel days. Mr. X was a total hunk, well built, average height, thick mustache, hairy, masculine hoarse voice, piercing eyes and a glib talker. Our boy was a good friend of Mr. X, though not a close friend. They used to exchange pleasantries and used to associate each other with many tasks during college routines. He definitely enjoyed X’s company, but as told earlier, never seen him in a salacious way. Occasionally, They used to get together and talk in either of their rooms. During one Sunday, X came to our boy’s room, he was suffering from sprain of his leg muscle (X plays football regularly). Our boy gave him some pain balm and they started talking about random things. He could feel Mr. X’s eyes scanning him more than usual. Then X unusually asked him to rub the balm onto his leg. He didn’t bother, it was just a friendly gesture. Moreover he loved X’s presence and a chance to “touch and bond”, how could he miss that? He started applying the balm onto his legs. X was wearing a tee and shorts. He could see the naked thighs of X and his heart beats gone soaring. He was starting to get some kind of a sexual feel, X was watching closely.

Somehow our boy managed to control the urge to go beyond and he finished the “balm application”. They were alone in the room, the room was not closed. X had no intentions to leave and he started broaching into another subject, the talk eventually landed in the forbidden land of “gay encounters”. X revealed that he had some experiences with men, in his childhood. He had kissed another boy of his class. Our boy initially did not believe that X kissed another boy; is it possible for a boy to kiss another boy, he acted like he was ignorant of the whole gay thing, he was pretty good at acting innocent. All of a sudden, X had risen from the bed and kissed our boy on the lips. Our boy was caught completely unaware and was shell shocked although he immediately regained the poise and detached from X. They did not speak for a while and then X asked our boy whether he now believes about what he had told about kissing.

It was the first ever kiss of our boy, he was stunned, but he liked it and did not admit that to X. But X knew it. X was quite adept in reading our boy’s thoughts. On that day, X did not go any further than just a kiss, he was gentle and very tactful as he was aware that the boy in front of him was “delicate” or “too naive” and anything further would have ruined the relationship. There is no telling how our boy could have reacted, if anything more than a kiss. Haste was definitely not the rule of that day, patience was. X left with a sweet all understanding smile and a “wild“ glimmer of hope in his eyes.

That kiss was a big jolt. Our boy just could not imagine himself indulging in such an act which was totally against his morals, he was worried about his own degradation to such an extent. X initiated it, but he allowed it. So he is also equally culpable. He vowed himself that such incidents will not happen again. But deep inside, he cherished that moment; the warm touch of X’s lips, a passionate embrace and as in Paulo Coelho novels, the unison of two souls, the union of two soul mates. He recollected the awe and beauty of great French sculptor Auguste Rodin's creation, “The Kiss”, a marble statue of an embracing male-female couple, their bodies deeply entwined to each other and completely lost in that divine pleasure of union (for viewing the art of Rodin, go through this link). He relived that moment in his thoughts. He needed a few days to get composed again. He was in a huge dilemma, a battle was being fought by his own moral self which he tried to preserve until that day and his sexual instincts, now totally unshackled and made reckless by that single kiss. Who was winning? For the time being, he chose brain over heart. Yes, he decided to avoid X until he gets stabilized. X on the other hand held a watchful eye. X never forced anything on our boy. They remained good friends, talked as usual, no more misdemeanors and everything had been normal for some time. But the seed was already planted. It only needed time and care.

I will tell more about our boys in the next part.

Continued in Part 5 - Parting Glances

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