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Loss of innocence (Part 2) - Rite to "Gaydom"

Continuation of  Part 1 - Tribulations

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict ~ Jim Morrison 

Image courtesy: adolescent boy
Adolescence: Surging hormones, burning desires, competition for almost everything, peer pressure, fear, new knowledge and a new path to travel. He got into a professional college; new friends, new environment and hostel life which proved to be a lair of opportunities. He was staying away from home for the first time in his life; nostalgia crept in almost every day into the thoughts resulting in an uncontrollable urge to fleet back to his familiar room at his beloved home.  Besides, it was hell of a time for “Freshmen” – Ragging – the “inevitable evil” with a “glorified goal” for making people stronger for enduring any difficult situation. Well, there were quite many instances which point to the homosexual undertones of such ragging rituals viz., stripping stark naked in front of a boisterous crowd, passing lewd comments on each others’ personal endowments and the best thing was yet to come - imagine a situation in which the senior educates an ignoramus junior about what is meant by a “blow job” or a “bear back” in the vernacular language which was far grosser than English. He was a little taken aback by these; it was more than a jolt to his resolute moral spirit which he always tried to preserve. He was a person who has not even seen a pornography film at the age of seventeen and was totally unaware of the sexual innuendos prevalent among the youngsters. He had never read books with titillating and explicit sexual details and he did not even know the details of heterosexual sex, let alone homosexual sex. 

Hostel, the treasure trove for all the “valuable information” and the ambiance it created was disconcerting. He was baffled, his moral self traumatized, the conflict was beginning to emerge from the deep abyss of his mind. Even though he was not aggressive about sex, he was not aversive to sex either. Sex always sells. Sex, the most overrated feeling of humankind, the experience which can alter a person overnight, the craving which can make people knowingly destroy their own lives, the momentary pleasure for which many small and large battles were fought in history. Sages all over the world searched for ways surpassing this burning desire (a yogi in the making?) but still it is what which decides many things in our life. One day his close friend had taken him to an internet café, initiated him to pornography and unveiled the vast world of bodily desires and vices; the handsome bodies, bizarre practices. But what was that caught his attention – it was not the female body, but the men in those films. He looked at those “sculpted Greek gods” with sheer awe. 

The mask was starting to fall down, but he managed by deliberately commenting on the female body anatomy, cautiously avoiding even a single word about his “real” object of desire. “That Mask” was the most suffocating thing, he always admired the “effeminate men” for their audacity, for they embraced their self even when the whole world had declared war on them, the whole world noticed them as freaks and totally non-conforming. There were indeed many skeletons in the closet and fear lingered. It is a big burden to live a secret life. He vehemently desired to tear the mask he wore and come out to all. But in doing so, the consequences would have been severe - disownment, ridicule, alienation and the list goes like that. Well, there were many things in store for him. This was just a beginning. Soon, his entire moral conscience would be tested, severely tested. Will say more in the coming parts.

(Continued in Part 3 – Metamorphosis).


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