Loss of Innocence (Part 5) - Parting Glances

Continuation of Part 4 - The First Kiss

On that eventful morning of Practical examination, everybody was tensed. It was hell of an examination, question was tough and everybody was tested to the core. After the written paper, another test awaits, viva voce, which is more or less like a ragging session, conducted by professors though, where you will be humbled, your ego gets busted and eventually grounded by the ultimate realization, the ultimate truth that you don’t know anything about the subject. Well, everybody was accustomed to this kind of “self awareness”. Our boy did somewhat well and was satisfied by his performance over the written paper. Two hours remaining for the viva voce and a combined study was proposed by his friends. Any guess where it is going to happen? X’s room. Well, he was okay as there were some other friends too, so nothing to worry about. They all gathered in the room and studied together for some time. Eventually, his friends discontinued, one by one, as if driven by a divine intervention and soon the room got deserted with only X and our boy. X was sitting on the chair and our boy was laying on X’s bed browsing the book. X stood up and locked the door and came closer to the bed. X looked at our boy and smiled. Then he also laid on the bed with his book and started to study. There was an unnerving silence in the room and both of them felt that something was going to happen. He could sense that, his heart was going wild, he was almost trembling with fear of losing his own control, again. He knew that if X starts something, he may not be able to resist. Because deep down, he likes it. For some moments, nothing happened. Then, X kissed him again on the lips, this time it was more passionate and prolonged. He then removed our boy’s shirt and kissed him all over. He was an expert and had done this before, his touch was electrifying and ecstatic. X was moving fast, he skilfully hitched our boy’s pants and was endeavoring to remove the underwear too. At that moment, an imperceptible tremor went down his spine, as he was thinking “I am not a manslut”, our boy sprung up from the bed, dressed up and began to leave. His moral sense once again forced him to recoil, besides there was an exam to finish. X got a little wary at the glitch, but he also realized that it was not the right time for such a business and our boy was not yet ready. He smiled again and left along with our boy for exam.

Image from the Peruvian film "Contracorriente"

Exam was over and our boy returned back to his room in a jiffy. His mind was clouded, the tug of war began. He kept thinking again and again, tried to deviate his attention from the matter to something creative. He started reading a book, but could not concentrate. He tried to draw and paint, which always acted for him like a cure, when stressed. He could not do that either. He kept thinking about the mid-day encounter. He once again had taken a decision not to create such situations any more. He decided to avoid X and divert his attention. Then at 8 O’ clock, after mess, X came to his room. X started talking with our boy’s room mate and at times looked at our boy. His eyes had a clear message, “come to my room”. He left after that casual talk. Our boy’s defenses got paralyzed by that sight of X and despite the resolute mental decision he had taken not to create any more encounters, he sauntered towards X’s room. It was 9 O'clock at night. X was there, alone, his room-mate had gone home as it was Friday. Yes, perfect setting. He wondered how things are getting shaped like this as if the whole story was pre-written. Gosh, X even had put an English song (our boy likes English songs) of his liking. Yes, X knew everything. He knew that our boy will come and he was totally prepared for it. Love was in the air.

 I will give some graphic details of the encounter, but will try not to be vulgar. Our boy slowly entered the room, he was shy, could not admit to X that he had come for an encounter. Instead, our boy pretended that he wanted to draw a poster which was pasted on the walls of X’s room. He began to draw, standing opposite to that wall. After some time, he realised that X was standing behind him. He acted as if completely lost in drawing, but he heard every sound. He was expecting X to make his move. X came just behind him, kissed on his nape, his ears and hugged him from behind. Both of them were wearing “lungi”. X embraced him so close and our boy could feel X’s “manhood”, erected and in full throttle. X was not wearing his underwear. Well, another thoughtful move. Our boy turned around leaving behind his paper and pencil and faced X. X looked into his eyes and kissed on the lips. Then removed his shirt, he swiftly removed the lungi as well, now our boy was bare in his underwear. X kissed all around his upper body, moved down and slowly tried to remove our boy’s underwear. Our boy was very shy to show his private body parts to anybody. Nobody has seen his private body parts before, ever!! He was so shy that whenever he wanted to go to common urinals, he will do that only when nobody else was there. Now, that moment has come. He needed to lose that inhibition. He needed to let his body consciousness go. X sensed the embarrassment, looked in our boy’s eyes and reassured him. He asked our boy to remove the underwear by himself. Our boy, slowly removed his underwear, while X watched. He smiled and asked our boy whether he is comfortable. Our boy said, “now you have seen my everything, then what is the point in getting uncomfortable”. Then our boy garnered some courage, he was stark naked and he wanted to see X too, fully naked. He removed X’s shirt, his bare hairy chest, the trail of hair towards navel and beyond was inviting. Our boy asked X to remove his lungi. X smiled and asked our boy to take it out. X was standing there like a statue, ready to get pampered and he was also excited. Our boy could sense his loud heartbeat and elevated breath. With pounding heart, our boy slowly removed X’s lungi. He looked down and for the first time he was seeing a man completely naked and erected, in real. X smiled and embraced our boy passionately. A naked embrace. The touch of their naked bodies was worthy for all that wait. X kissed again and asked our boy whether he wanted to go further. Our boy replied “not today” as he was not sure. He asked for more time to think. So they parted amicably hoping to see again. 

Image source: queerpopculture

Our boy came back to his own room. His roommate was asleep. He laid on the bed thinking. He could not believe that he was the same boy who was shy and extremely moral, now totally exposed and lost every bit of inhibition to get involved in sex. The walls of restrain was crashing down. Later he made several efforts in vain to get back to his old self, by deliberately trying to avoid X in all ways he can, but proved totally unsuccessful. They had started a relationship and met several times secretly, involved in a kind of sexual relationship, if not fully or penetrative sex. Our boy changed a lot after this incident, the boy who wore dress two sizes too large began dressing up in fitting clothes. The incident tremendously bolstered his self confidence, the perception about his own body improved, self worth enhanced and overall, he became a better person. The sweet memories of that day, still lingers. Dredging up the past was always painful for our boy, replete with self-inflicted pain and depravity, but those moments with X were something worth remembering, like a desert rain it brought new lease of life into him. X got married and they parted ways after college. Before leaving college, X did ask him “whether he loved him or not” and our boy lied “No way” as he knew that X is bisexual and their relationship is not going to last, after college. He had a female lover during the time of their relationship with whom he got settled. It was just a fancy question. They still remain in touch, maintain a completely platonic relationship and behaves as though nothing happened between them. But the truth was he loved X. He still loves him. But staying together and loving are different issues. Love is not the only thing which governs a relationship. Our boy was being pragmatic, finally. So the story ends here.

Loss of innocence (Part 3) - Metamorphosis

Continuation of Part 2 – Rite to "Gaydom"

“Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

 He considered himself an introvert. He was pretty good at communication though. He loved to talk with people whom he could identify with, people who had similar interests and above all people who were liberal. He gathered some close friends during the hostel life, some connections turned really unforgettable. In hostels, young men in their prime bodily conditions lived together without access to opposite sex, homosexuality being  a “normal phase” in “the development of human beings” and the watershed of sexual emotions will try to find new outlets. As Osho (the controversial spiritual guru who had wonderful and liberal views on sex, but his talks after 1985 turned into mere rants with totally confused views on several issues) once commented on a question from one of his disciple who was a confused homosexual, “homosexuality originated from monasteries and hostels, where the opposite sex were not allowed or not available”. Osho’s concept of homosexuality being an outcome of heterosexual depravity was the one in vogue, most people believe like that especially ladies, they think “a beautiful lady” who is “capable” (colloquially the meaning of that capable is sexually adept) can turn on “any man” (read as she can even convert a homosexual man into a heterosexual man, easily). But do these ladies will ever come to know that for an exclusively homosexual man, even the mere sight of vagina is repulsive/disgusting. Naah!!

Image courtesy: The scholastic awards

When people hear about stories of marital discord, at least some women put the responsibility on the wife. He had heard women folk saying that “ it is her fault that her husband goes with other women, she is not tactful enough to seduce and restrain him”. Homosexuality never even comes to the picture. But, how many homosexuals are forced to marry and get trapped in relationships they don’t like, wasting their entire life and and the life of another person and those around them. Besides, the issue is not wholly about sex, but living one’s life, what is comfortable for a person - to mentally connect to a man or a woman.

It is a fact that hostels provide the right ambiance for the “germination” of homosexuality. But, for that germination to happen, a “seed” is needed. Seeds have a predestined fate and cannot alter that course. A mango seed will grow and give mangoes, not apples. Then where is that question of “changing back to normal” arises in case of a homosexual man. He had heard many anecdotal reports of this “magical curing of gayness”. Scientific evidence proves otherwise. Well, to make the whole issue complex, there is a large group of people who enjoys both men and women, the bisexual folks, who are usually confused/misrepresented to be homosexuals. In Indian scenario, most people are not even willing to admit themselves as homo, but will easily admit as bisexual. It is very difficult to identify a homosexual man and often the “homosocial” environment of our society can lead to false diagnosis. Here men usually show great physical intimacy coupled with a completely platonic relationship - they hold hands, pat each others backs, warm hugs, bath together or even sleep together. Such bromances are commonplace in most college campuses.

Contrastingly, there are many men who nurture latent homosexual desires in them which will get manifested in a hostel atmosphere. Bisexuals utilize the environment more than anything. They will get easy prey to satisfy their carnal desires and for their committed sexual and emotional needs, they will ensure a female counterpart. But for a pure gay man, the entire situation turns titular, provocative and usually culminates in heartbreak and pain if he is not aware of the cliche climax of such relationships. Yea, one man will fall in love with a girl, then the usual melodrama and tragedy to the gay one who will face the brunt and imagine his whole world had crashed down. Some will recuperate with time, some will resort to suicide. He was aware of such stories. He had deliberately created a brain/mind barrier to get himself immune from the “emotional vampires”. But as you know, there will be a chink in every armour. 
Continued in Part 4 – The First Kiss