Loss of Innocence (Part 5) - Parting Glances

Continuation of Part 4 - The First Kiss

On that eventful morning of Practical examination, everybody was tensed. It was hell of an examination, question was tough and everybody was tested to the core. After the written paper, another test awaits, viva voce, which is more or less like a ragging session, conducted by professors though, where you will be humbled, your ego gets busted and eventually grounded by the ultimate realization, the ultimate truth that you don’t know anything about the subject. Well, everybody was accustomed to this kind of “self awareness”. Our boy did somewhat well and was satisfied by his performance over the written paper. Two hours remaining for the viva voce and a combined study was proposed by his friends. Any guess where it is going to happen? X’s room. Well, he was okay as there were some other friends too, so nothing to worry about. They all gathered in the room and studied together for some time. Eventually, his friends discontinued, one by one, as if driven by a divine intervention and soon the room got deserted with only X and our boy. X was sitting on the chair and our boy was laying on X’s bed browsing the book. X stood up and locked the door and came closer to the bed. X looked at our boy and smiled. Then he also laid on the bed with his book and started to study. There was an unnerving silence in the room and both of them felt that something was going to happen. He could sense that, his heart was going wild, he was almost trembling with fear of losing his own control, again. He knew that if X starts something, he may not be able to resist. Because deep down, he likes it. For some moments, nothing happened. Then, X kissed him again on the lips, this time it was more passionate and prolonged. He then removed our boy’s shirt and kissed him all over. He was an expert and had done this before, his touch was electrifying and ecstatic. X was moving fast, he skilfully hitched our boy’s pants and was endeavoring to remove the underwear too. At that moment, an imperceptible tremor went down his spine, as he was thinking “I am not a manslut”, our boy sprung up from the bed, dressed up and began to leave. His moral sense once again forced him to recoil, besides there was an exam to finish. X got a little wary at the glitch, but he also realized that it was not the right time for such a business and our boy was not yet ready. He smiled again and left along with our boy for exam.

Image from the Peruvian film "Contracorriente"

Exam was over and our boy returned back to his room in a jiffy. His mind was clouded, the tug of war began. He kept thinking again and again, tried to deviate his attention from the matter to something creative. He started reading a book, but could not concentrate. He tried to draw and paint, which always acted for him like a cure, when stressed. He could not do that either. He kept thinking about the mid-day encounter. He once again had taken a decision not to create such situations any more. He decided to avoid X and divert his attention. Then at 8 O’ clock, after mess, X came to his room. X started talking with our boy’s room mate and at times looked at our boy. His eyes had a clear message, “come to my room”. He left after that casual talk. Our boy’s defenses got paralyzed by that sight of X and despite the resolute mental decision he had taken not to create any more encounters, he sauntered towards X’s room. It was 9 O'clock at night. X was there, alone, his room-mate had gone home as it was Friday. Yes, perfect setting. He wondered how things are getting shaped like this as if the whole story was pre-written. Gosh, X even had put an English song (our boy likes English songs) of his liking. Yes, X knew everything. He knew that our boy will come and he was totally prepared for it. Love was in the air.

 I will give some graphic details of the encounter, but will try not to be vulgar. Our boy slowly entered the room, he was shy, could not admit to X that he had come for an encounter. Instead, our boy pretended that he wanted to draw a poster which was pasted on the walls of X’s room. He began to draw, standing opposite to that wall. After some time, he realised that X was standing behind him. He acted as if completely lost in drawing, but he heard every sound. He was expecting X to make his move. X came just behind him, kissed on his nape, his ears and hugged him from behind. Both of them were wearing “lungi”. X embraced him so close and our boy could feel X’s “manhood”, erected and in full throttle. X was not wearing his underwear. Well, another thoughtful move. Our boy turned around leaving behind his paper and pencil and faced X. X looked into his eyes and kissed on the lips. Then removed his shirt, he swiftly removed the lungi as well, now our boy was bare in his underwear. X kissed all around his upper body, moved down and slowly tried to remove our boy’s underwear. Our boy was very shy to show his private body parts to anybody. Nobody has seen his private body parts before, ever!! He was so shy that whenever he wanted to go to common urinals, he will do that only when nobody else was there. Now, that moment has come. He needed to lose that inhibition. He needed to let his body consciousness go. X sensed the embarrassment, looked in our boy’s eyes and reassured him. He asked our boy to remove the underwear by himself. Our boy, slowly removed his underwear, while X watched. He smiled and asked our boy whether he is comfortable. Our boy said, “now you have seen my everything, then what is the point in getting uncomfortable”. Then our boy garnered some courage, he was stark naked and he wanted to see X too, fully naked. He removed X’s shirt, his bare hairy chest, the trail of hair towards navel and beyond was inviting. Our boy asked X to remove his lungi. X smiled and asked our boy to take it out. X was standing there like a statue, ready to get pampered and he was also excited. Our boy could sense his loud heartbeat and elevated breath. With pounding heart, our boy slowly removed X’s lungi. He looked down and for the first time he was seeing a man completely naked and erected, in real. X smiled and embraced our boy passionately. A naked embrace. The touch of their naked bodies was worthy for all that wait. X kissed again and asked our boy whether he wanted to go further. Our boy replied “not today” as he was not sure. He asked for more time to think. So they parted amicably hoping to see again. 

Image source: queerpopculture

Our boy came back to his own room. His roommate was asleep. He laid on the bed thinking. He could not believe that he was the same boy who was shy and extremely moral, now totally exposed and lost every bit of inhibition to get involved in sex. The walls of restrain was crashing down. Later he made several efforts in vain to get back to his old self, by deliberately trying to avoid X in all ways he can, but proved totally unsuccessful. They had started a relationship and met several times secretly, involved in a kind of sexual relationship, if not fully or penetrative sex. Our boy changed a lot after this incident, the boy who wore dress two sizes too large began dressing up in fitting clothes. The incident tremendously bolstered his self confidence, the perception about his own body improved, self worth enhanced and overall, he became a better person. The sweet memories of that day, still lingers. Dredging up the past was always painful for our boy, replete with self-inflicted pain and depravity, but those moments with X were something worth remembering, like a desert rain it brought new lease of life into him. X got married and they parted ways after college. Before leaving college, X did ask him “whether he loved him or not” and our boy lied “No way” as he knew that X is bisexual and their relationship is not going to last, after college. He had a female lover during the time of their relationship with whom he got settled. It was just a fancy question. They still remain in touch, maintain a completely platonic relationship and behaves as though nothing happened between them. But the truth was he loved X. He still loves him. But staying together and loving are different issues. Love is not the only thing which governs a relationship. Our boy was being pragmatic, finally. So the story ends here.

Loss of innocence (Part 4) - The First Kiss

Continuation of Part 3 - Metamorphosis

Love is short and forgetting is so long - Pablo Neruda

He knew that. His lean figure, sexy pout, attractive eyes, reticence and introversion could make him a fairly decent commodity in the “gay market”. He had some encounters in the past, especially during the travels via buses and train. He was never interested in strangers or casual encounters as he was well aware of the sexually transmitted diseases and other complications. Moreover he was never serious about getting laid, although he wished for a companion with whom he can share everything. He had many friends. Close friends indeed. His timid nature would never allow him to cross the boundaries with any of his friends. There were many handsome friendly faces (and of course bodies) he drooled over, the usual friendly physical intimacy existed with them but it never breached the mutual trust. During friendly discussions, the topics of homosexuality at times surface and no one really cared about it.

There were occasional gossiping where his friends used to assess the “homosexual quotient” of some of their friends under the gay cloud/gaydar as sometimes those persons were seen in compromising positions! The prying eyes!! No suspicions against him and so he ignored it. But then he had fallen for a guy, a twist in the story!

As there are two persons in the story now, I am going to address him as “our boy” and his lover as “X”. The following is a true experience our boy had during his hostel days. Mr. X was a total hunk, well built, average height, thick mustache, hairy, masculine hoarse voice, piercing eyes and a glib talker. Our boy was a good friend of Mr. X, though not a close friend. They used to exchange pleasantries and used to associate each other with many tasks during college routines. He definitely enjoyed X’s company, but as told earlier, never seen him in a salacious way. Occasionally, They used to get together and talk in either of their rooms. During one Sunday, X came to our boy’s room, he was suffering from sprain of his leg muscle (X plays football regularly). Our boy gave him some pain balm and they started talking about random things. He could feel Mr. X’s eyes scanning him more than usual. Then X unusually asked him to rub the balm onto his leg. He didn’t bother, it was just a friendly gesture. Moreover he loved X’s presence and a chance to “touch and bond”, how could he miss that? He started applying the balm onto his legs. X was wearing a tee and shorts. He could see the naked thighs of X and his heart beats gone soaring. He was starting to get some kind of a sexual feel, X was watching closely.

Somehow our boy managed to control the urge to go beyond and he finished the “balm application”. They were alone in the room, the room was not closed. X had no intentions to leave and he started broaching into another subject, the talk eventually landed in the forbidden land of “gay encounters”. X revealed that he had some experiences with men, in his childhood. He had kissed another boy of his class. Our boy initially did not believe that X kissed another boy; is it possible for a boy to kiss another boy, he acted like he was ignorant of the whole gay thing, he was pretty good at acting innocent. All of a sudden, X had risen from the bed and kissed our boy on the lips. Our boy was caught completely unaware and was shell shocked although he immediately regained the poise and detached from X. They did not speak for a while and then X asked our boy whether he now believes about what he had told about kissing.

It was the first ever kiss of our boy, he was stunned, but he liked it and did not admit that to X. But X knew it. X was quite adept in reading our boy’s thoughts. On that day, X did not go any further than just a kiss, he was gentle and very tactful as he was aware that the boy in front of him was “delicate” or “too naive” and anything further would have ruined the relationship. There is no telling how our boy could have reacted, if anything more than a kiss. Haste was definitely not the rule of that day, patience was. X left with a sweet all understanding smile and a “wild“ glimmer of hope in his eyes.

That kiss was a big jolt. Our boy just could not imagine himself indulging in such an act which was totally against his morals, he was worried about his own degradation to such an extent. X initiated it, but he allowed it. So he is also equally culpable. He vowed himself that such incidents will not happen again. But deep inside, he cherished that moment; the warm touch of X’s lips, a passionate embrace and as in Paulo Coelho novels, the unison of two souls, the union of two soul mates. He recollected the awe and beauty of great French sculptor Auguste Rodin's creation, “The Kiss”, a marble statue of an embracing male-female couple, their bodies deeply entwined to each other and completely lost in that divine pleasure of union (for viewing the art of Rodin, go through this link). He relived that moment in his thoughts. He needed a few days to get composed again. He was in a huge dilemma, a battle was being fought by his own moral self which he tried to preserve until that day and his sexual instincts, now totally unshackled and made reckless by that single kiss. Who was winning? For the time being, he chose brain over heart. Yes, he decided to avoid X until he gets stabilized. X on the other hand held a watchful eye. X never forced anything on our boy. They remained good friends, talked as usual, no more misdemeanors and everything had been normal for some time. But the seed was already planted. It only needed time and care.

I will tell more about our boys in the next part.

Continued in Part 5 - Parting Glances