Loss of Innocence (Part 5) - Parting Glances

Continuation of Part 4 - The First Kiss

On that eventful morning of Practical examination, everybody was tensed. It was hell of an examination, question was tough and everybody was tested to the core. After the written paper, another test awaits, viva voce, which is more or less like a ragging session, conducted by professors though, where you will be humbled, your ego gets busted and eventually grounded by the ultimate realization, the ultimate truth that you don’t know anything about the subject. Well, everybody was accustomed to this kind of “self awareness”. Our boy did somewhat well and was satisfied by his performance over the written paper. Two hours remaining for the viva voce and a combined study was proposed by his friends. Any guess where it is going to happen? X’s room. Well, he was okay as there were some other friends too, so nothing to worry about. They all gathered in the room and studied together for some time. Eventually, his friends discontinued, one by one, as if driven by a divine intervention and soon the room got deserted with only X and our boy. X was sitting on the chair and our boy was laying on X’s bed browsing the book. X stood up and locked the door and came closer to the bed. X looked at our boy and smiled. Then he also laid on the bed with his book and started to study. There was an unnerving silence in the room and both of them felt that something was going to happen. He could sense that, his heart was going wild, he was almost trembling with fear of losing his own control, again. He knew that if X starts something, he may not be able to resist. Because deep down, he likes it. For some moments, nothing happened. Then, X kissed him again on the lips, this time it was more passionate and prolonged. He then removed our boy’s shirt and kissed him all over. He was an expert and had done this before, his touch was electrifying and ecstatic. X was moving fast, he skilfully hitched our boy’s pants and was endeavoring to remove the underwear too. At that moment, an imperceptible tremor went down his spine, as he was thinking “I am not a manslut”, our boy sprung up from the bed, dressed up and began to leave. His moral sense once again forced him to recoil, besides there was an exam to finish. X got a little wary at the glitch, but he also realized that it was not the right time for such a business and our boy was not yet ready. He smiled again and left along with our boy for exam.

Image from the Peruvian film "Contracorriente"

Exam was over and our boy returned back to his room in a jiffy. His mind was clouded, the tug of war began. He kept thinking again and again, tried to deviate his attention from the matter to something creative. He started reading a book, but could not concentrate. He tried to draw and paint, which always acted for him like a cure, when stressed. He could not do that either. He kept thinking about the mid-day encounter. He once again had taken a decision not to create such situations any more. He decided to avoid X and divert his attention. Then at 8 O’ clock, after mess, X came to his room. X started talking with our boy’s room mate and at times looked at our boy. His eyes had a clear message, “come to my room”. He left after that casual talk. Our boy’s defenses got paralyzed by that sight of X and despite the resolute mental decision he had taken not to create any more encounters, he sauntered towards X’s room. It was 9 O'clock at night. X was there, alone, his room-mate had gone home as it was Friday. Yes, perfect setting. He wondered how things are getting shaped like this as if the whole story was pre-written. Gosh, X even had put an English song (our boy likes English songs) of his liking. Yes, X knew everything. He knew that our boy will come and he was totally prepared for it. Love was in the air.

 I will give some graphic details of the encounter, but will try not to be vulgar. Our boy slowly entered the room, he was shy, could not admit to X that he had come for an encounter. Instead, our boy pretended that he wanted to draw a poster which was pasted on the walls of X’s room. He began to draw, standing opposite to that wall. After some time, he realised that X was standing behind him. He acted as if completely lost in drawing, but he heard every sound. He was expecting X to make his move. X came just behind him, kissed on his nape, his ears and hugged him from behind. Both of them were wearing “lungi”. X embraced him so close and our boy could feel X’s “manhood”, erected and in full throttle. X was not wearing his underwear. Well, another thoughtful move. Our boy turned around leaving behind his paper and pencil and faced X. X looked into his eyes and kissed on the lips. Then removed his shirt, he swiftly removed the lungi as well, now our boy was bare in his underwear. X kissed all around his upper body, moved down and slowly tried to remove our boy’s underwear. Our boy was very shy to show his private body parts to anybody. Nobody has seen his private body parts before, ever!! He was so shy that whenever he wanted to go to common urinals, he will do that only when nobody else was there. Now, that moment has come. He needed to lose that inhibition. He needed to let his body consciousness go. X sensed the embarrassment, looked in our boy’s eyes and reassured him. He asked our boy to remove the underwear by himself. Our boy, slowly removed his underwear, while X watched. He smiled and asked our boy whether he is comfortable. Our boy said, “now you have seen my everything, then what is the point in getting uncomfortable”. Then our boy garnered some courage, he was stark naked and he wanted to see X too, fully naked. He removed X’s shirt, his bare hairy chest, the trail of hair towards navel and beyond was inviting. Our boy asked X to remove his lungi. X smiled and asked our boy to take it out. X was standing there like a statue, ready to get pampered and he was also excited. Our boy could sense his loud heartbeat and elevated breath. With pounding heart, our boy slowly removed X’s lungi. He looked down and for the first time he was seeing a man completely naked and erected, in real. X smiled and embraced our boy passionately. A naked embrace. The touch of their naked bodies was worthy for all that wait. X kissed again and asked our boy whether he wanted to go further. Our boy replied “not today” as he was not sure. He asked for more time to think. So they parted amicably hoping to see again. 

Image source: queerpopculture

Our boy came back to his own room. His roommate was asleep. He laid on the bed thinking. He could not believe that he was the same boy who was shy and extremely moral, now totally exposed and lost every bit of inhibition to get involved in sex. The walls of restrain was crashing down. Later he made several efforts in vain to get back to his old self, by deliberately trying to avoid X in all ways he can, but proved totally unsuccessful. They had started a relationship and met several times secretly, involved in a kind of sexual relationship, if not fully or penetrative sex. Our boy changed a lot after this incident, the boy who wore dress two sizes too large began dressing up in fitting clothes. The incident tremendously bolstered his self confidence, the perception about his own body improved, self worth enhanced and overall, he became a better person. The sweet memories of that day, still lingers. Dredging up the past was always painful for our boy, replete with self-inflicted pain and depravity, but those moments with X were something worth remembering, like a desert rain it brought new lease of life into him. X got married and they parted ways after college. Before leaving college, X did ask him “whether he loved him or not” and our boy lied “No way” as he knew that X is bisexual and their relationship is not going to last, after college. He had a female lover during the time of their relationship with whom he got settled. It was just a fancy question. They still remain in touch, maintain a completely platonic relationship and behaves as though nothing happened between them. But the truth was he loved X. He still loves him. But staying together and loving are different issues. Love is not the only thing which governs a relationship. Our boy was being pragmatic, finally. So the story ends here.

Ode to Narcissus

Narcissus is one among my favorite mythological characters. The self obsessed uber handsome hunter who fell in love with his own  reflection in water and finally died due to the extreme fixation on oneself. "Narcissism" was later coined to show the extreme self fixation. We all have a mild Narcissus inside, remember how many times we look in the mirror before going to Office or how many times we look down while walking to see whether our dress is okay or not. Every body likes to see themselves in the mirror. We all like to enjoy our own beauty and we always think we are beautiful. We will adjust our heads, look each and every changes in our face, everyday in a mirror, don't we? We compare ourselves to others. We want others to be like us. We want to personalize the world. That is why when we come across a difference of opinion or a change from our own view, restlessness ensues. We all like "us". As Richard Dawkins pointed out, the genes are selfish. We all want to create our own world, a world which is our own reflection. We always get attracted to people who are look like us, who have similar facial features as of ours or similar thoughts. Is this not some kind of a self obsession? The novel of Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Grey had the element of narcissism in its theme. Hermen Hesse's Narcissus character is structured on the myth but his self obsession is based on intellect rather than on corporeal beauty. 

Image credit: Peace of Art (Caryl Park's blog)

Does Narcissus  had a gay perspective beneath the surface? Narcissus was supposed to fall in love with Echo, the mountain nymph. Instead he blatantly rejected Echo. As a punishment to his arrogance (I doubt how it becomes arrogance), the goddess of revenge, Nemesis lured Narcissus near a stream and seeing his reflection he got bewitched by his own image. Nevertheless Narcissus had fallen in love with a  man even though there are no obvious homoerotic overtures in the whole story. Nobody cursed or forced Narcissus, he had fallen for himself, spontaneously, naturally, Nemesis just facilitated that "realization". It was  lust. That is why in 1898 Havelock Ellis, an English sexologist, used the term "narcissus-like" in reference to excessive masturbation, whereby the person becomes his or her own sex object.

In another version of the story, where Narcissus is portrayed as homosexual, a young man named "Aminias" fell in love with Narcissus, who had already spurned his male suitors. Narcissus also spurned him and gave him a sword. Aminias committed suicide at Narcissus's doorstep. He had prayed to the gods to give Narcissus a lesson for all the pain he provoked. Narcissus walked by a pool of water and decided to drink some. He saw his reflection, became entranced by it, and committed suicide because he could not have his object of desire. This story seems familiar, right, the typical gay climax.

Narcissus as flower

Narcissism, when viewed with a sexual connotation may not be coherent, but when looked from the pyscho-analysis perspective, it is more like a self analysis, self-criticism, self awareness, self realization, which is the corner stone of eastern mysticism. Self realization is the essence of Hinduism and Buddhism. Love yourself and know yourself. In some versions of the myth, Narcissus finally becomes a beautiful flower. The bloom of a flower is more like an enlightenment, the bloom of self realization. A closed unattractive bud opens into a fragrant ravishing flower, a complete transformation and fulfillment which is indeed emancipation. Narcissus had become an enlightened soul.

Image credits: Wikipedia, Peace of Art (Caryl Park's blog).

Reasons of homosexuality - Part 1

Because of my biology background, I always search for the reasons of my homosexuality. Scientific research is advancing in this field, many reports have elucidated a multitude of reasons ranging from "gay gene" to "social conditioning". Check out a beautiful commentary by Marcia Malory in "Scientific American" which overviews the in vogue theories on homosexuality (link). The debate of "Nature" vs "Nurture" will go on as there are many stakeholders. Gay community is vociferously and desperately trying to strike a chord with the "Nature angle", while the religious and hetero-sexist community vouch for the  "Nurture" propaganda.

Read the full article. For those who are facing a dearth of time, I am giving a gist of the article.

• A gay man is more likely than a straight man to have a (biological) gay brother; lesbians are more likely than straight women to have gay sisters. 

• Families with two homosexual brothers were very likely to have certain genetic markers on a region of the X chromosome known as Xq28. Plausibility of a "gay gene". Genes can’t control behavior completely, though.

• Environment, like genetics, plays an important role in how our behavior develop.Your culture affects your views on homosexuality. What you have learned about homosexuality as you were growing up will affect whether you consider engaging in homosexual acts to be desirable or disgusting. (Compare our situation in India where it is still considered as a taboo).

• The structure of the brain might influence sexual preference (still debated).

• By manipulating hormone levels when in womb, scientists could make rats engage in homosexual behavior later on.So your brain was influencing your sexual preference even before you were born.

• This can explain why many gay people feel that they have always been gay.

• The education you receive as a child strongly affects how your brain will develop as you grow.With the right experiences, your brain can change even after you have reached adulthood.(So can gay men change their orientation?)

• So far, attempts to “cure” homosexuality by operating on the brain – homosexuals were once given lobotomies – have never worked. Attempts to eliminate homosexuality via hormone therapy haven’t been effective either (Kind attention - priests and religious leaders!!)

• Gay men and straight men have the same levels of sex hormones; sex hormone levels are the same in gay women and straight women.(well, heterosexist consider gay men to be less musculine).

Perhaps one day we will be able to adjust sexual preference via surgery – focusing on the particular regions of the brain that are associated with sexual preference – or via neural implants or training. Even if gay people can never stop being attracted to members of the same sex, they can learn not to act on their desires. People already learn to stop smoking, to give up certain foods, and not cheat on their husbands or wives. If they could, should they change their brains (or have their brains changed) in order to make themselves straight?

(Credit: iStockphoto/Salon)

(Is our  author turning a heterosexist?)

No. Read her personal views. She further states,

"I believe that people have the right to engage in any behavior that they choose, as long as their actions do not harm others, and I believe that gay sex and gay relationships do not cause harm to anyone. Therefore, people who are gay by choice have the right to remain that way ".Just as gay people who are happy as they are should not be forced to change their sexual orientation, gay people who want to be straight should have the right to change if they can – and the correct word is “change” – not “cure”.

Yes, I endorse her view completely. Personally, I will never opt for a conversion to heterosexual orientation, if I had a chance to do that. But if somebody else who is gay wants to convert, let him do that. But the social conditioning that heterosexism is the natural way and homosexuality is a perversion cannot be advocated and justified.

Credit: Chris Harvey / Shutterstock.com

So is the kid in the above picture going to turn lesbian when she grows up as she is  being raised by gay parents and all the "environment" is set? Who knows? But what if she turns gay, she should be allowed to choose what ever she likes!

It is evident that both nature and nurture are important elements in defining every human being. So is our sexual orientation. But which one is the determinant is like the unanswerable question of egg and chick, which one came first!

Loss of innocence (Part 4) - The First Kiss

Continuation of Part 3 - Metamorphosis

Love is short and forgetting is so long - Pablo Neruda

He knew that. His lean figure, sexy pout, attractive eyes, reticence and introversion could make him a fairly decent commodity in the “gay market”. He had some encounters in the past, especially during the travels via buses and train. He was never interested in strangers or casual encounters as he was well aware of the sexually transmitted diseases and other complications. Moreover he was never serious about getting laid, although he wished for a companion with whom he can share everything. He had many friends. Close friends indeed. His timid nature would never allow him to cross the boundaries with any of his friends. There were many handsome friendly faces (and of course bodies) he drooled over, the usual friendly physical intimacy existed with them but it never breached the mutual trust. During friendly discussions, the topics of homosexuality at times surface and no one really cared about it.

There were occasional gossiping where his friends used to assess the “homosexual quotient” of some of their friends under the gay cloud/gaydar as sometimes those persons were seen in compromising positions! The prying eyes!! No suspicions against him and so he ignored it. But then he had fallen for a guy, a twist in the story!

As there are two persons in the story now, I am going to address him as “our boy” and his lover as “X”. The following is a true experience our boy had during his hostel days. Mr. X was a total hunk, well built, average height, thick mustache, hairy, masculine hoarse voice, piercing eyes and a glib talker. Our boy was a good friend of Mr. X, though not a close friend. They used to exchange pleasantries and used to associate each other with many tasks during college routines. He definitely enjoyed X’s company, but as told earlier, never seen him in a salacious way. Occasionally, They used to get together and talk in either of their rooms. During one Sunday, X came to our boy’s room, he was suffering from sprain of his leg muscle (X plays football regularly). Our boy gave him some pain balm and they started talking about random things. He could feel Mr. X’s eyes scanning him more than usual. Then X unusually asked him to rub the balm onto his leg. He didn’t bother, it was just a friendly gesture. Moreover he loved X’s presence and a chance to “touch and bond”, how could he miss that? He started applying the balm onto his legs. X was wearing a tee and shorts. He could see the naked thighs of X and his heart beats gone soaring. He was starting to get some kind of a sexual feel, X was watching closely.

Somehow our boy managed to control the urge to go beyond and he finished the “balm application”. They were alone in the room, the room was not closed. X had no intentions to leave and he started broaching into another subject, the talk eventually landed in the forbidden land of “gay encounters”. X revealed that he had some experiences with men, in his childhood. He had kissed another boy of his class. Our boy initially did not believe that X kissed another boy; is it possible for a boy to kiss another boy, he acted like he was ignorant of the whole gay thing, he was pretty good at acting innocent. All of a sudden, X had risen from the bed and kissed our boy on the lips. Our boy was caught completely unaware and was shell shocked although he immediately regained the poise and detached from X. They did not speak for a while and then X asked our boy whether he now believes about what he had told about kissing.

It was the first ever kiss of our boy, he was stunned, but he liked it and did not admit that to X. But X knew it. X was quite adept in reading our boy’s thoughts. On that day, X did not go any further than just a kiss, he was gentle and very tactful as he was aware that the boy in front of him was “delicate” or “too naive” and anything further would have ruined the relationship. There is no telling how our boy could have reacted, if anything more than a kiss. Haste was definitely not the rule of that day, patience was. X left with a sweet all understanding smile and a “wild“ glimmer of hope in his eyes.

That kiss was a big jolt. Our boy just could not imagine himself indulging in such an act which was totally against his morals, he was worried about his own degradation to such an extent. X initiated it, but he allowed it. So he is also equally culpable. He vowed himself that such incidents will not happen again. But deep inside, he cherished that moment; the warm touch of X’s lips, a passionate embrace and as in Paulo Coelho novels, the unison of two souls, the union of two soul mates. He recollected the awe and beauty of great French sculptor Auguste Rodin's creation, “The Kiss”, a marble statue of an embracing male-female couple, their bodies deeply entwined to each other and completely lost in that divine pleasure of union (for viewing the art of Rodin, go through this link). He relived that moment in his thoughts. He needed a few days to get composed again. He was in a huge dilemma, a battle was being fought by his own moral self which he tried to preserve until that day and his sexual instincts, now totally unshackled and made reckless by that single kiss. Who was winning? For the time being, he chose brain over heart. Yes, he decided to avoid X until he gets stabilized. X on the other hand held a watchful eye. X never forced anything on our boy. They remained good friends, talked as usual, no more misdemeanors and everything had been normal for some time. But the seed was already planted. It only needed time and care.

I will tell more about our boys in the next part.

Continued in Part 5 - Parting Glances

Gay Scene - Some Reflections

we are more than this!!

Being a gay man, I have some reservations about the gay scene in India and all over the world. First thing is why we gays need to be so campy and flashy all the time. The gay stereotype is all about flamboyance and fabulousness which probably stems out from the extreme depression and frustration of the community. We want to be visible. We want to be taken into consideration. We don’t want to be taken for granted. This show business comes from the subconscious mind which is more like an attention seeking behaviour and this exhibition weirdly instills confidence in gay people; we celebrate our difference. Society tries to ignore this whole hullabaloo with a tin ear for dialogue. In societal dictionary, ignoring is same as tolerance; the fact remains that tolerance is never true acceptance. True acceptance is always feared, as society fear that more and more people will "turn gay" which will eventually tear the moral fabric, the fabric of family set up and finally we will be staring at the bizarre extinction of human race. God will have to start it all again. There is not even a miniscule of logic in such a thought. But that is what majority thinks. That is the popular thought. 

          This “glamboyance” will create false impressions in the societal mind that gay men are only about sex, without any morals and without any purpose; an allegation permanently conferred upon us. “Purpose of life” - no kids, no strings attached, no obligations, only sex and sex only - Are the heterosexual people envious? May be, may be not!! The principal reason of objection is the gay lifestyle which is labeled as promiscuous, immoral and dirty. There is some logic in that allegation though. Homosexual people in general follow a more liberal lifestyle, “more sexual” and “less committed”. Heterosexual people (especially males) also have a proclivity for multiple partners but they are bound to their children and repercussions of such an approach over the children and an established family set up greatly serve as deterrents.  Gay people don’t have any of these and so nothing to be afraid off. Gay scene is like an iceberg - only tip is in the visible domain, rest is submerged. But without given a chance for legitimate relationships (approved by society) how can the society assess the commitment capability of gay people and their ability to lead a stable life. There are many gay couples irrespective of countries who take their relationships very seriously and even adopt/raise children. They are in no way different from heterosexual couples. As per scientific evidences, the kids they raise are in no way inferior to the kids of heterosexual couples (link).  I still remember in a channel discussion which I used to follow, there was fierce criticism to gay lifestyle and gay sex, one woman from the audience passionately told that “why the discussions on gay people always go to the familiar terrain of sex and sex only - actually this is an issue about the love of two people”. The primary focus should be on love. But nobody is giving the importance it deserves - it is about one soul loving another soul, whether hetero or homo. When something is labeled as forbidden, it arouses more curiosity and interest and can turn deviant, just like getting sucked up in a whirlpool of negative emotions. Gay men are depressed, more prone to substance and physical abuses and the entire blame rests on them only; society washes its hands as usual by attributing this to their “gay choice”. Society asks the gay person to change instead of taking concrete measures to allow each and every gay person to manifest their gayness, live their own life and contribute to the society in a constructive manner rather than triggering self-nihilistic tendencies in them. The recent supreme court judgment on Section 377 is a typical example of the unchanged societal mindset and the judgment is crystal clear; “come to our way” or “perish”.  I wonder whether the “gay prides “are looked upon as genuine bold statements or as “freak shows”. Does society actually understands the real message behind a “gay pride”? Doubtful!! But something is better than nothing. Some visibility, even though it is freaky! 

With the advent of chat sites like Planet Romeo, secretive yet a public gay scene prevails in the underbelly of every urban street, where men hooks up and enjoys. 90 per cent of people enrolled are looking for casual sex only, a small minority looking for relationship which indeed is the most underrated word in the gay scene. The buzz words are “discreet”, “no strings attached”, “interested in all kinds of sex” etc. Gay men are real casanovas. “How many partners?”, such a question is irrelevant and rubbish, nobody counts!! Then there is the scare of sexually transmitted diseases. People are prone to more risks and they cannot reveal it and avail treatment because of the forbidden nature of the whole issue. One beautiful description about “flesh trade” found in one among the numerous Planet Romeo profiles is as follows,  

        “The body is just a piece of meat, which shifts and changes, it is just a bridge between your mind and your way to feel vibrations. So use your body as an instrument to feel that sense of euphoria and pleasure. The vision, the image that excites you is only a beginning, to feel all this vibration you have to use the other senses”.
 
        Yes, as he rightly mentions, it is euphoria. Sex can make or break a person, quite easily. Too much addiction to sex can destroy a person almost irreversibly. Use your other senses as well, think before you act. Temptations will blind you, lure you and you will be fain to embrace it,  but the results will not be promising, always.  

        Pornography: Unusual companion of any gay man. Pornography can turn addictive, but it is always safer than indulging in one night stands and casual encounters.  Time is a terrible thing to waste and you will lose much of your quality time if got addicted to pornography. Pornography can also distort the whole concept of sex. It can change your perceptions about your own body (a distorted body image) and create perverse ideas about sex and sexual practices. Those practices may not be even remotely applicable to real life situations. Recent reports also say that there is no such thing as porn addiction. Who knows!! Mutual masturbation via video chatting is also pretty popular among gay men which again is reasonably safe compared to sexcapades. Beware of showing the face as it can lead to blackmailing, defamation and abuse.

      Gay community also is rife with prejudices.  Because of rampant malpractices, if you look at the chat site profiles, the members are forced to apply so many conditions viz., no cheaters, no money takers, no effeminate guys, no fatty guys, no lean guys, no uncles and it goes on. Displaying statements like no effeminate guys, fat and lean guys hints at the prejudice prevalent in a marginalized community like ours. We are marginalizing it further. I agree that everybody have their own tastes and types - everyone can reject any message any time as they like. Then why display such profile taglines? These people are not even willing to message or “simply waste time “if they get a message from a particular type of person they abhor. I strongly feel that it is not a measure for saving time of either parties, but a kind of prejudice itself. Such taglines show hatred, intolerance. Everybody is looking for sculpted bodies and gorgeous faces, even though they themselves are not qualified enough. Nobody is willing to have a friendly chat or to lend ears to another person. The whole concept is utilitarian and without “potential bedroom moments” in cards, nobody will waste time on each other. During every planet romeo chat, the “third question” you get is “can we meet” (replace meet with the F word for a better translation of what is in the mind), if not interested, case closed. Genuine Friendships which are not exclusively based on external appearances or prospective sexual intimacy are hard to find.   Another Planet Romeo friend quips,  

     “Isn't it curious that a group of people shunned by the society in general exhibit the most ridiculous forms of prejudices, sophistications and tendencies to discriminate, to judge and to segregate? You do realize that in the eyes of the public we are all freaks!”
 
    What he said is the real tagline. There could not be a better representation of the prejudices existing in a community which is already oppressed and kicked at. As a marginalized community, gay community need to be more sensitive, compassionate and united.

Loss of innocence (Part 3) - Metamorphosis

Continuation of Part 2 – Rite to "Gaydom"

“Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

 He considered himself an introvert. He was pretty good at communication though. He loved to talk with people whom he could identify with, people who had similar interests and above all people who were liberal. He gathered some close friends during the hostel life, some connections turned really unforgettable. In hostels, young men in their prime bodily conditions lived together without access to opposite sex, homosexuality being  a “normal phase” in “the development of human beings” and the watershed of sexual emotions will try to find new outlets. As Osho (the controversial spiritual guru who had wonderful and liberal views on sex, but his talks after 1985 turned into mere rants with totally confused views on several issues) once commented on a question from one of his disciple who was a confused homosexual, “homosexuality originated from monasteries and hostels, where the opposite sex were not allowed or not available”. Osho’s concept of homosexuality being an outcome of heterosexual depravity was the one in vogue, most people believe like that especially ladies, they think “a beautiful lady” who is “capable” (colloquially the meaning of that capable is sexually adept) can turn on “any man” (read as she can even convert a homosexual man into a heterosexual man, easily). But do these ladies will ever come to know that for an exclusively homosexual man, even the mere sight of vagina is repulsive/disgusting. Naah!!

Image courtesy: The scholastic awards

When people hear about stories of marital discord, at least some women put the responsibility on the wife. He had heard women folk saying that “ it is her fault that her husband goes with other women, she is not tactful enough to seduce and restrain him”. Homosexuality never even comes to the picture. But, how many homosexuals are forced to marry and get trapped in relationships they don’t like, wasting their entire life and and the life of another person and those around them. Besides, the issue is not wholly about sex, but living one’s life, what is comfortable for a person - to mentally connect to a man or a woman.

It is a fact that hostels provide the right ambiance for the “germination” of homosexuality. But, for that germination to happen, a “seed” is needed. Seeds have a predestined fate and cannot alter that course. A mango seed will grow and give mangoes, not apples. Then where is that question of “changing back to normal” arises in case of a homosexual man. He had heard many anecdotal reports of this “magical curing of gayness”. Scientific evidence proves otherwise. Well, to make the whole issue complex, there is a large group of people who enjoys both men and women, the bisexual folks, who are usually confused/misrepresented to be homosexuals. In Indian scenario, most people are not even willing to admit themselves as homo, but will easily admit as bisexual. It is very difficult to identify a homosexual man and often the “homosocial” environment of our society can lead to false diagnosis. Here men usually show great physical intimacy coupled with a completely platonic relationship - they hold hands, pat each others backs, warm hugs, bath together or even sleep together. Such bromances are commonplace in most college campuses.

Contrastingly, there are many men who nurture latent homosexual desires in them which will get manifested in a hostel atmosphere. Bisexuals utilize the environment more than anything. They will get easy prey to satisfy their carnal desires and for their committed sexual and emotional needs, they will ensure a female counterpart. But for a pure gay man, the entire situation turns titular, provocative and usually culminates in heartbreak and pain if he is not aware of the cliche climax of such relationships. Yea, one man will fall in love with a girl, then the usual melodrama and tragedy to the gay one who will face the brunt and imagine his whole world had crashed down. Some will recuperate with time, some will resort to suicide. He was aware of such stories. He had deliberately created a brain/mind barrier to get himself immune from the “emotional vampires”. But as you know, there will be a chink in every armour. 
Continued in Part 4 – The First Kiss

Loss of innocence (Part 2) - Rite to "Gaydom"

Continuation of  Part 1 - Tribulations

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict ~ Jim Morrison 

Image courtesy: adolescent boy

Adolescence: Surging hormones, burning desires, competition for almost everything, peer pressure, fear, new knowledge and a new path to travel. He got into a professional college; new friends, new environment and hostel life which proved to be a lair of opportunities. He was staying away from home for the first time in his life; nostalgia crept in almost every day into the thoughts resulting in an uncontrollable urge to fleet back to his familiar room at his beloved home.  Besides, it was hell of a time for “Freshmen” – Ragging – the “inevitable evil” with a “glorified goal” for making people stronger for enduring any difficult situation. Well, there were quite many instances which point to the homosexual undertones of such ragging rituals viz., stripping stark naked in front of a boisterous crowd, passing lewd comments on each others’ personal endowments and the best thing was yet to come - imagine a situation in which the senior educates an ignoramus junior about what is meant by a “blow job” or a “bear back” in the vernacular language which was far grosser than English. He was a little taken aback by these; it was more than a jolt to his resolute moral spirit which he always tried to preserve. He was a person who has not even seen a pornography film at the age of seventeen and was totally unaware of the sexual innuendos prevalent among the youngsters. He had never read books with titillating and explicit sexual details and he did not even know the details of heterosexual sex, let alone homosexual sex. 

Hostel, the treasure trove for all the “valuable information” and the ambiance it created was disconcerting. He was baffled, his moral self traumatized, the conflict was beginning to emerge from the deep abyss of his mind. Even though he was not aggressive about sex, he was not aversive to sex either. Sex always sells. Sex, the most overrated feeling of humankind, the experience which can alter a person overnight, the craving which can make people knowingly destroy their own lives, the momentary pleasure for which many small and large battles were fought in history. Sages all over the world searched for ways surpassing this burning desire (a yogi in the making?) but still it is what which decides many things in our life. One day his close friend had taken him to an internet café, initiated him to pornography and unveiled the vast world of bodily desires and vices; the handsome bodies, bizarre practices. But what was that caught his attention – it was not the female body, but the men in those films. He looked at those “sculpted Greek gods” with sheer awe. 

The mask was starting to fall down, but he managed by deliberately commenting on the female body anatomy, cautiously avoiding even a single word about his “real” object of desire. “That Mask” was the most suffocating thing, he always admired the “effeminate men” for their audacity, for they embraced their self even when the whole world had declared war on them, the whole world noticed them as freaks and totally non-conforming. There were indeed many skeletons in the closet and fear lingered. It is a big burden to live a secret life. He vehemently desired to tear the mask he wore and come out to all. But in doing so, the consequences would have been severe - disownment, ridicule, alienation and the list goes like that. Well, there were many things in store for him. This was just a beginning. Soon, his entire moral conscience would be tested, severely tested. Will say more in the coming parts.

(Continued in Part 3 – Metamorphosis).